I finally took my own advice and took Sunday and Monday off. I can’t remember when the last time I had two days off back to back! (I had read a brief article about “reclaiming our weekends” which sparked the initiative – that and my anniversary.) Boy, did it feel amazing! Both days, I had animals to take care of, but from 11am onwards both days, I was in my pj’s and it felt incredible. My husband and I caught up on TV and movies that we had recorded, stocked up on snacks and overall junk food, and got a full nine hours of good sleep.

Allow me to digress for a minute: I am reminded of a Seinfeld episode where George discusses getting a massage, “I don’t feel like I deserve the pleasure.” I had always felt that naps and work-free days meant that I was lazy. Operating in life with this belief means that I rarely take days off with the justification ‘it’s only one client, or only a little house cleaning.” But before you know it, the 45 minute task turns into 2 hours.

This past weekend was a great reminder of the need to take time off. If I can’t fly to some tropical island, at least plan on more staycations!

One of the components of a teen’s self esteem is a sense of achievement. In my Westlake psychotherapy practice, when I’m doing an assessment for an adolescent, I often have them describe a time when they remember feeling a sense of pride.

Most healthy teenagers can come up with something after giving it some thought. However, when a person suffers from moderate to severe anxiety or depression, their memories and perception often get clouded. When a person has difficulty remembering the last time they felt a sense of pride is the moment I hope will start true introspection and consequently insight development. After realizing that a lack of motivation (e.g from depression) or fear (e.g. from anxiety) inhibits them from making goals in the first place, a person often has the A-ha moment. “Oh, because I feel badly, I don’t set out to change unhealthy habits (isolation, lashing out, or addiction).” And because I do these things, I feel even more self-loathsome.” It  becomes a vicious cycle.

One of the reasons I am a proponent of assigning homework to clients is to provide them with opportunities for empowerment by setting and meeting weekly goals. Many kids sit in my office and tell me that when they feel that badly, the list of things to change about themselves or their lives grows to an insurmountable amount. I start with helping them make a list, consolidate redundancies, and prioritize them in terms of importance. Then together we devise small steps to catalyze the change process. And of course, discussing issues that could stifle goal achievement ahead of time enables my client to be proactive should they encounter that challenge.

Similar to my last post about a single drop contributing to a waterfall, setting and reaching small realistic goals can amount to big changes in the way we feel about ourselves.  Next blog: In a world inundated with self help and self improvement gurus, how do we learn to love and accept ourselves!

An old proverb goes: “A waterfall starts with a single drop.” I have always liked that colloquialism because it emphasizes the notion that small efforts can lead to big results & changes. I am reminded of this often when my husband and I go for our walks picking up trash that is strewn throughout the neighborhood. Now, I don’t claim to be a super do-gooder but we almost get offended by the refuse that clutters the green belts of Westlake and Thousand Oaks.

I know we can’t collect all the trash on our walks- not even close. But I can’t help but think if everyone picked up one piece of trash daily, how much better & accountable we would feel about our community, how much healthier our wildlife neighbors would be, and how it might ignite changes in the other areas of our life and our child’s?  We all know the impact of social media and how one post could go viral overnight, right?

Well, let’s make the power of the collective have long lasting effects for ourselves, our family, our community, and bigger yet, our planet!

This week is the anniversary of the formation of my teen group which currently consists of 10 high school girls! Every week I am blessed to lead such a cohesive and fun group of teens. It is amazing how much I learn from them (e.g. how many people make a 1.5 hour weekly commitment to better themselves!)  I know how busy their schedules are and feel grateful that they have made the group a priority.

On a similar note, a friend of mine mentioned that she read somewhere that for people to avoid burnout, we need to set aside 9 hours a week just for ourselves. The 9 hours can be spread out throughout the week or a day off of work. The source of self-indulgence and relaxation could be reading a book, gardening, or napping with your cat. Assuming we do these things without ulterior gains, we can avoid depression, anxiety, stress, and behaviors that lead to trouble. Imagine feeling less irritated and overwhelmed with life’s curveballs if you make time to decompress. We need to set aside this time for ourselves just as much as we need to go to the dentist, get our oil change, and take the kids to practice.

So this post goes to my group members who remind me weekly how important it is to make yourself a priority. So today, on my birthday, I am doing nothing related to work. Phone is turned off, shutting off computer as soon as I send this, and enjoying the day with my wonderful husband and my menagerie of animals. Not a better way to celebrate!

One of the things I hear most often, (surprisingly not as a complaint however), is that the teens I work with are getting only 6 hours of sleep a night on average. And of course the usual culprits- anxiety and mobile devices. Teens are sleeping with their cell phones under their pillow or beside them often texting in the middle of the night.

Now, I run two businesses and I can assure you that even I do not have a reason to text someone at 3 in the AM! I finished reading an article this morning about this very issue which explained why technology disturbs our sleep. Basically, smart phones decrease levels of melatonin which serves as a sleeping hormone according to sleep studies done at Ohio State University. Here are some tips if you have trouble catching ZZZ’s:

1) Dimming the brightness on your phone, E-readers, or Laptop

2) Holding the E-reader at least 14 inches from your face to reduce the hormone disruption

3) Use a different method of morning alarm, or if you choose to use your cell at least move it across the room

4) Turn your cell phone off after 8 pm to avoid the temptation of responding

5) Use the sleep function on your TV or stereo so the inflections of light and sound don’t affect your sleep throughout the night

6) Avoid caffeine which will aid in reducing pre-bedtime anxiety and insomnia

7) Get a white noise machine or fan to drown out extraneous noise

8) Monitor and adjust the bedroom temperature and bed coverings

9) Follow a bedtime routine: dinner, shower, emails, read/watch TV, stretch (yoga or meditation)

10) Make a commitment to get better sleep (it won’t happen magically) so make it a priority and you’ll be sleeping, dreaming, and waking up restful in no time!

If you have any questions about how to improve your quality of life and how a Licensed Clinical Social Worker can help, contact us today!

Follow the following acronym to live a happier, healthier, and more productive life:

A – Act now! There will always be some reason to put off change, a goal, or self improvement if you give procrastination a chance, don’t!

B – Body- You only have one so treat it right, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

C – Comedy- Don’t take life so seriously. I know I wrote a blog post on this recently, but it bears repeating. Laughing is good for our soul!

D – Daily gratitude- those who are grateful are happier, plain and simple.

E – Enjoyment from hobbies or activities that make you feel better. Fill your week with these things because you are worth it.

F – Family and Friends- Most of life’s problems can be alleviated with the love, company, and support from our loved ones. Cherish the times you have with them!

This post is a special tribute to my father. Thanks, Dad, for reminding me where I learned all of this:)

Parents often complain about their children’s grades as they often do not reflect their son or daughter’s potential. My thoughts are this: by the time they reach high school, their work ethic is fairly developed. If parents have done  a decent job of encouraging schoolwork, providing assistance, and getting involved at the elementary school, kids will internalize the important of school and increase their self esteem when their grades reflect their efforts. Assuming this is the case, by the time teens enter high school, they have gained the skills of time management, learned appropriate study habits, and determined their strengths and weaknesses.

I hear far too often that grades are micromanaged by the parents of the high schooler. This does two things which in my opinion do far more damage than necessary; 1) potentially demonstrates to the teenager that grades are more important to the parent than they are for the student  and 2) reduces the trust  between parent and teen. I would prefer parents check online grades with their son or daughter (not behind their backs) at about the first progress report of ninth grade. This will again role model the importance of grades and illustrate a useful tool to keep track of one’s grades.

If there are any surprises, the parent should brainstorm different options (e.g teen or parent speaking with/emailing the teacher, getting a tutor, or finding someone in the class to study with). After 9th grade, the student should have a good idea as to how to keep up with their grades and if not I suggest conversations involving solutions-most talks could be resolved within 15 minutes. (The second a lecture ensues, the teen turns off their listening skills and just waits for it to be over).

Mental illnesses such as trauma, depression, anxiety, and self esteem can affect grades as well. It is hard to focus on the War of 1812 if you’ve suffered a family tragedy and difficult to make flash cards if your parents are arguing all the time. Additionally, learning disabilities can affect a teen’s school performance. If there is a pattern to your child’s academic records, there are professionals who can test your child to rule out an organic reason as opposed to a behavioral one.

Regardless of the reason for academic underachievement, there are solutions and professionals who can help (tutors, psychologists, study groups, teachers and/or educational therapists). With a proper support network, your child can thrive and feel confident throughout high school and beyond! Should you need a referral for the aforementioned in Thousand Oaks or Westlake, please contact me as I often collaborate with many in the area.

Thanks for reading!

– Gretchen Mayer, LCSW

I often hear from clients during the first visit that they “were in therapy, but they didn’t get much out of it.” Now perhaps they were younger or were asked to go by their parents, it saddens me that people continue counseling despite any results. After the first visit, a teenager should be able to tell at least if there’s a level of comfort and trust with that therapist that would motivate that individual to make a second appointment. The person should also feel a little more hopeful upon leaving the first visit. So in essence, choose someone you feel connected to- after all, you will be sharing things about yourself that you may not be proud of!

Once a therapist has been chosen, the work begins changing maladaptive patterns of thinking or behaving. When a person comes to their sessions with things he/she would like to address, this guides our work with the assumption that this needs to be a priority. Last week, I had a 14 year old whip out her phone to look at three things she wanted to talk about! What motivation and maturity! As a result, I didn’t haven’t to fish for the areas of her life that were affecting her that week, she put it to the forefront of the session.

I also assign homework to my clients so they can feel empowered by having things to focus on rather than repeating patterns that weren’t working for them in the first place. Some clients follow through and some do not. But there’s a correlation for those who complete their homework- they reach their treatment goals faster.

I also ask my clients along the way how they feel therapy is going. This gives the client the opportunity to provide feedback and look at their level of commitment. It’s hard for a person to say they haven’t changed much if they haven’t done the suggested homework! So a level of accountability is addressed for their part of the therapy process. I would hope a client would be honest and tell me if they weren’t feeling that it was helping, but sometimes a direct question helps.

Lastly, as I have mentioned in my last blog, consistency. When a person participates in weekly sessions, the person is encouraged to share the issues of the week. Then options are discussed to best cope with the perceived problem, and then the following week, together we process any improvement or obstacles that came up. If two or three week go by, it is easy to forget what happened. Additionally, the person is unable to determine what efforts they did to remedy the problem and whether or not it helped. Especially when I am working with a teenager. Sometimes, they can’t even remember what they did over the weekend, let alone two weeks ago! So it’s better to do 10 sessions in ten weeks than 10 in 20 weeks (same cost, but greater result).

When it doubt, talk with your therapist. If you don’t feel you’re getting the results from therapy, but you like the person you’ve chosen, I encourage you to confront the therapist. Tell them exactly that and together you can discuss how best to get back on track. After you have given it more time, if you still feel dissatisfied, perhaps it’s time to pursue another avenue.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Make it a great day!

People often ask me how long therapy will take. As with many questions in therapy, there are no simple black and white answers. The length of therapy depends on several factors. The first factor is the length of time that the symptoms have affected the client. Generally, the longer the person has experienced the symptom (anxiety or depression) or engaged in the behavior (cutting or drug abuse), the longer it takes to resolve the issue.

The second factor is the level of the client’s insight. The more aware the person is, the quicker the mood improves or the maladaptive behavior is unlearned. And it would make sense. First the person has to identify their mood or behavior before they can do anything about it. Then once we have discussed coping strategies, then the person can implement the change process once they recognize what’s going on.

The third factor has to do with any genetic disposition to the problem. If there’s a family history of depression or mental illness, then we are probably looking at a chemical imbalance stemming from hereditary issues.

This makes depression, for example, somewhat harder to work with than say a person who has situational depression.

Another factor deals with the client’s readiness and willingness to do the assigned homework necessary to implement change. Again, as a rule of thumb, the person who is ready to change and motivated to try a different approach to dealing with their problem, will need less time in therapy.

The severity of the problem also dictates the course of therapy. Severe depression or anxiety will be harder to treat than a mild case of the blues.

And lastly, the frequency and consistency of therapy is correlated with the duration of therapy. As with most goals, the more time you put in the faster you reach your goals. So weekly therapy will help to challenge the old ways of operating and decrease the time in my office.